Conversations

(I wrote this a few days after going off work ill with stress and burnout, thought it might be good for others to read at the start of a New Year when we often look at our priorities.)

Some of you will know. Some of you won’t know yet. About a week ago (3^rd December) I realised I was in trouble. I wasn’t in physical danger, I wasn’t physically at risk but I was in real, trouble.

A bit of background. I have been working long hours, often 50 or 60 hour weeks for around the last six months. Partially this is because of necessity; I am leading a congregation that has grown in numbers but also spiritually at the same time as leading a growing youth ministry. I have been meeting pastorally with many of you and trying to give support and encouragement to those of you who are taking first (and second, third etc.) steps into ministry. It has been a real joy and a blessing from God to be involved in your lives at Conversations this year.

The reality though, is that we have doubled in size and the responsibilities and demands on me as leader of our motley crew has grown at an even faster rate. There are more meetings, more people, more pastoral moments, more joys, more events etc. What started as an easily manageable 8 hours a week, has grown to 30 hours in a brief period. I made every effort to step up to the challenge but it could only go on so long and it has eventually taken its toll.

Monday 1^st December I noticed I was behaving strangely. My phone was ringing, friends, some of you, colleagues were calling but I wasn’t answering. I would read emails and ignore them. In short I was no longer functioning in either of my roles as youth worker or conversations worker. The warning signs.

The following morning I asked the staff at St Mike’s to pray for me. I asked specifically for prayer in five areas. My mind doesn’t work that well at the minute, I’m pretty sure these are the prayers.

Protection – I knew I was physically vulnerable as I was very tired.

Rest – That I could find some clear space to rest to avoid breaking down.

Inspiration – I needed a fresh glimpse of why I do what I do.

Safety – I was aware of the attraction of sin as a solace. Mainly anger and resentment of other people. Selfishness was a real temptation.

Management – That I would manage well the people who I owe that to.

Within a day, I realised that that had come too late. I received an innocuous email, like the hundreds I get a month. I think it was to double check the time of an event. Well, on reading it I just flipped. I found myself in a very irrational panic. I was aware that I was in a panic but was almost outside of that place and watching it happen. It was real and yet I equally knew that it was irrational. In that realisation I was able to calm down, set things in order and go home, for a long time. I’d come close before but evaded it but burnout had finally caught me.

That evening I attempted to preach at Conversations, there was little time to get a replacement and I had prepped. Those of you who were there would have been aware that I was not right, but since then I have been away from work at home. Doing exercise, eating right and trying to rebuild what I have realised in my rest is a very damaged person. I have never been this worn out mentally, emotionally and physically.

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